some good some bad but some IRISH ! iF I TOLD JEWISH JOKES I WOULD GET REPORTED FOR BEING ANTI-SEMITIC!.well one we can get away with perhaps!

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they’re still walking about with it.

I thought to myself, they’ve lost the plot!!My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van.  The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, that guy’s heading for a breakdown..Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.


Paddy says “Mick, I’m thinking of buying a Labrador …….”Blow that” says Mick “have you seen how many of their owners go blind?”
My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said “You’re obviously not listening.”The wife has been missing a week now.  Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier inLondon …….
Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
The wife was counting all the 5ps and 10ps out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, “She’s going through the change.”
When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn’t feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists. I mean, it’s not as if she’d have to reverse the thing!

Local Police hunting the ‘knitting needle nutter’, who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
Bought some ‘rocket salad’ yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!Murphy says to Paddy, “What ya talkin into an envelope for?”
“I’m sending a voicemail ya thick eejit !” Just got back from my mate’s funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks “Why so many of you?”
Mick replies, “The film said 18 or over.”
A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her mum that she has missed her period for 2 months.Very worried, the mother goes to the local pharmacy and buys a pregnancy test kit.
The test confirms that her daughter is pregnant.Shouting and crying, the mother says “Who was the selfish bastard that did this to you ?
I demand to know !”

Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call.                  
Half an hour later, a Bentley stops in front of their house.
A middle-aged and very distinguished man  steps out of the car and enters the house.

He sits in the lounge with the father and mother, and tells them”Your daughter has informed
me of the problem.  I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation but I’ll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.”

He continues “Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath two retail furniture stores,
a deli, a chateau in France and a £1m bank account.”He continues “If a boy is born my legacy will be a chain of jewellery stores and a £25m bank account.””However, if there is a miscarriage I’m not sure what to do.

What would you suggest ?”All silent at this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and told him
“You’ll have to try again.”

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